by far the most frustrating thing i have experienced in my life is wanting to put a smiley emoji at the end of something i’ve said in parentheses (because it just looks fucking weird :))
i'm an 18-year-old dude from sydney and i feel obligated to wrap anything i express in multiple layers of irony for fear of being ruthlessly judged by my tumblr peers
so like at the moment life is real weird. i don’t really know what’s going on with my head but i’m inclined to blame the 24/7 dissociation i’m experiencing and have been experiencing for like a year. it’s very scary to just feel like massive chunks of who you are as a person are just suddenly missing when you’ve just kind of taken what goes on in your head for granted as “you” forever. like everyone else you know does as well and still does. for someone who was so whose identity was shaped very much around his cognitive faculties it’s especially crushing to be like “brain do this thing you’re good at” and to be met with this odd like “nope that just won’t happen any more”. i’m probably catastrophising and hyperbolising the situation but the idea of just going “oh well i’ll just accept living a life completely different from the life i would’ve lived otherwise” is so so hard to just accept.
you are what you do and you are your memories and it’s like. i don’t do all the things i used to do and my memories seem so distant and dream like and the feeling of “yeah, that was just me at a different point in time” is pretty well absent despite logically knowing that it’s the case and it’s fucking odd. at times i’ll just be doing whatever and be hit by this overwhelming sensation of “woah this is real life i am awake right now” like the ultimate peak of the general feeling of being incredibly detached and unreal. it just kind of feels like the person i was who everyone knew and had a relationship with is largely warped and changed and i’m the same on the outside and act somewhat similar but the person i am on the inside is very different, even to me. and i can’t help but think that to the people who know me i might as well be a complete stranger who looks the same. again of course it’s logically easy to acknowledge that’s not the case but the thoughts that naturally occur to me tell me otherwise.
you know how everyone can be like “life is so ridiculous and pointless wow it makes no sense it’s completely absurd” and shit but still go on caring and wanting to do things and enjoying life despite acknowledging the senselessness of it and the inevitability of death? it’s like whatever it is that somehow connects those two things for everyone else has just disappeared and i’m just left with the stark existential dread. and i know it’s like a glitch in consciousness or whatever but when it makes complete sense and isn’t like a psychosis where you’re convinced you’re seeing/hearing taste things that aren’t there it’s a lot weirder and a lot scarier.
and the ambiguity of this situation is incredibly frustrating. what caused it exactly? what’s changed in my brain that needs to be fixed for it to go away? is this medication helping or is it making things worse? if i do certain things for a while will it help or will i come out the other side even further exhausted and defeated?
it’s just so hard to care about doing anything when it just feels so difficult and foreign to care about existing generally. i’m stuck in this horrible catch 22 wherein i need the motivation to do shit but i need the motivation to find that motivation and so on and so on and so on.
at the same time i feel like such a burden to all these people. when someone brings more sadness and concern into your life than joy i feel like you really ought to just cut them out and i feel like that’s kind of the role i play for a lot of people and i would so so be okay for people to do that because i endure enough suffering from my situation myself and don’t really want to contribute to that for anyone else.
and maybe it’ll disappear eventually/hopefully. for most people who’ve gone through the same thing it generally does.
and what’s kind of odd is that in writing this i feel mostly dullness and apathy. there’s melancholy but i don’t know. maybe i’m just distanced from emotions, or just some kind of complacency with what i am now. but that does scare me, at least.
also, everyone around me is just going on with life, like i would be if things had been just slightly different. generally moving in sync with the rest of the world i knew and being relatively comfortable in that is something that i only now realise i was taking for granted. suddenly you fall out and you’re at complete odds with almost everyone and like. the world doesn’t just stop for you. i feel like somehow everyone thinks it would.
one thing that really bothers me is just considering how random and cruel and uncontrollable fate is. i am in this fucked situation but then people unexpectedly get murdered or endure severe brain damage or are born with crippling diseases or whatever and like. there is nothing within my control that makes me me and them them and it’s so utterly daunting. before it was just like “sucks to be them” and you just got on with things as usual because they’ve got their lot and you’ve got yours and fuck it’s enough to drive one crazy.
i am spending time with my family who are empathetic and lovely if a little fucked up and that does pull me out of myself somewhat which is good.
i have resolved to see a neurologist A$AP Rocky and i feel relatively positive about that, I suppose. This is definitely far more organic brain/neurological shit than like psychiatric mood disorder and I feel like so long as I find the right person it’s the best route of treatment. I’m stubborn and feel like I really need to exhaust every pharmacological route (there really aren’t that many) as like a first port of call.
i know this all sounds like the pseudo-philosophical ramblings of a teenaged stoner but all this shit is a genuine reality for me/how i experience life/how my thoughts and sensations work and it’s really tough. but i’ve resolved to just keep on going, even if it’s at a pace that seems lazy and futile from the outside. so i guess there’s solace to be taken in that.
this self-indulgent navel gazing brought to you by the reinvented 2012 toyota camry. it’s ready, are you?
beyoncé has a nervous breakdown and starts a black metal band:
i am torn between following gayhipsterpornblog and trying to forget that it exists because it makes me want to cry
there are large cuttlefish that float in the air and also build their nests in the local stormwater drainage system
did you know that the verses of fun’s hit song “we are young” are actually about cuttlefish
if you are humming it and wearing a t-shirt with a sassy phrase on it and you bump into anthony fantano he will want to take a selfie with you